Week Ones Last Stop

Our long national nightmare is over. The NFL season kicked off in full yesterday and did not disappoint. The games were entertaining and even the Baltimore/Buffalo game had Nathan Peterman. A recap of Sundays action.

Dolphins 27, Titans 20- A game marred by two different weather delays saw the Dolphins finally walk away with a one score victory. The most shocking thing about this game was the amount people still in the stands when the game ended seven hours after it started. Did they serve booze the whole time? What are these people doing with their lives? Tennessees starting QB Marcus Mariota left with a shoulder injury and Titans TE Delanie walker was carted off with a leg injury to make new head coach Mike Vrabels debut just about as bad as they come. Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill connected with Kenny Stills twice for touchdowns to propel the Phins to victory.

Patriots 27, Texans 20- The Pats kicked off their march to the AFC Championship Game with a more decisive than the score indicates victory over the visiting Texans. Texans QB Deshaun Watson was not as effective as the last time he played in Foxboro, completing only 50% of his attempts for 176 yards and one TD. For the Pats, TE/Video Game Boss Rob Gronkowski seems intent on reaching all the incentives in his recently renegotiated contract. Seven catches for 123 yards and a touch for Gronk highlighted by a circus catch with time winding down in the half. Called a catch on the field, Pats QB and giver of life Tom Brady ran up the field and got the snap off before the booth had time to call for a review. A late muffed punt by soon to be back on the practice squad Riley McCarron made this game closer than it needed to be.

Vikings 24, 49ers 16- Jimmy G loses for the first time as a starter. Not a great game for the one the Patriots let get away. I like Jimmy and wish him well in San Fran but I think his performance yesterday will bring people back to earth with respect to his expectations. Clearly his worst game as a professional. Kirk Cousins was impressive in his Vikings debut passing for two touchdowns, including this perfect pass into Stefon Diggs’ hands for career TD pass number 100.

Buccaneers 48, Saints 40- FITZMAGIC IS BACK! Ryan Fitzpatrick is unbelievable. Every few years he puts a string of good performances together, gets himself paid and then shits the bed. A Clockwork Ginger.  Good for him. Its about time someone from Harvard has something go right for them. For the Saints D, it was more “When The Bucs go Marchin’ In”, amirite? Their offense seems to be just fine, with Drew Brees having himself a day and RB Alvin Kamara helping me win my fantasy opener by going for 2 touches and over 100 yards receiving.

Panthers 16, Cowboys 8- This was a game that happened. How Jason Garrett still has a job is baffling to me. Way to manage the clock there buddy. Cam Newton led the way for Carolina in one of the only snoozers of the day.

Jaguars 20, Giants 15- Tom Coughlin returned to the Meadowlands and the Jags did enough to beat their bosses former team. Blake Bortles did Blake Bortles things and the defense was able to keep the Giants in check, save for this run by rookie stud RB Saquon Barkley.  A couple more of those runs and he can change his name to Sa-GONE. 

Bengals 34, Colts 23- The Red Rocket Andy Dalton brought the Bengals back against the home town Colts. Sparked by this 38 yard pass where receiver AJ Green perfectly split the defenders, Cincy came back from 13 down in the third to ruin Andrew Lucks first start since the 2016 season. Luck had the Colts driving in the final minute but a fumble by Jack Doyle that was scooped up and returned for a long TD but the final nail in the coffin.

Steelers 21, Browns 21- HAHAHAHAHAHA. God, I hate the Steelers so much. What I don’t hate about them is blowing a 14 point lead in the fourth quarter to the BROWNS. Overtime was delicious. Sloppy play and missed field goals. Hallmark Tomlin game. Big Ben turned the ball over five times HIMSELF. Great googly moogly. All you need to know about the Browns is that teams that have at least a 5-0 turnover ratio are something ridiculous like 38-4-1. The Browns have two of those losses and the tie. Man, they stink.

Ravens 47, Bills 3- Are we sure Nathan Peterman is supposed to be an NFL quarterback? He has played like 9 quarters of football and has thrown seven picks. I love watching him play though. Inject all the bad quarterbacking right into my veins. The Ravens steamrolled them in this one, with Joe Flacco throwing for three TDs against no picks in the blowout.

Chiefs 38, Chargers 28- The only exciting thing about this game was Tyreek Hill, another in a long line of explosive Chief returner/wr/rbs. New starter Pat Mahomes may be the real deal. Mahomes to Hill will be something to watch this year. The Chargers are consistent at being average. Every year in December all the analysts scream about how the Chargers are the team nobody wants to see in the playoffs. That may be true, but they also have only made the playoffs once in the last nine years so I guess we will never find out. Looks to be another up and down year for the vagabond Chargers.

Redskins 24, Cardinals 6- I watched zero seconds of this game and from the looks of the stats I am glad I didn’t. Looks like AP had a decent game in his R word debut and that Sam Bradford stinks, as usual. Nice 4.5 YPA there, Sammy.

Broncos 27, Seahawks 24-  I’m not sold on Case Keenum and his three picks lead me to believe I may be right about him. However, Seattle is in for a bad season I think and the Broncos were able to overcome his mistakes. I’m way more interested in ex teammates calling Russel Wilson a snitch and hearing more about how the team never got over the Malcolm Butler play. 

Packers 24, Bears 23- Quite the game to end the first Sunday of the season. Looked to be another snoozer, with the Bears up 20-0 and second best quarterback in the league Aaron Rodgers out with what looked like a serious knee injury. But the second half started and Rodgers returned. Then this happened. Then this. And, after a dropped game sealing interception by Chicago, this dagger to the souls of Bears fans everywhere. Just a brutal sequence that everyone in the world saw coming.

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