When I was a teenager in the ’90s Cindy Crawford was the hottest woman on the planet. Her, Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Anderson and Savannah the porn star(RIP) were my Mt. Rushmore of SpankBank material. So when you take Cindy’s Hall of Fame looks and put them together with the quality looks of Rande Gerber, its no surprise that their offspring is attractive. What is also no surprise is the internet being up in arms over their daughter posting a pic of herself in a bathrobe on Instagram. Apparently I am out of the loop because I have never heard of Kaia Gerber. A quick google search and it appears that she is following in her mothers footsteps and becoming a model. Which is all good, because she looks well on her way to achieving the same level of success as Cindy. And I agree, the picture she put up is a little provocative. But without these people getting upset about it I never would have known it existed. Know why? BECAUSE I DON’T FOLLOW A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL ON INSTAGRAM. I have nieces around her age and have no clue what their Instagram accounts are like because again, I do not follow them. But Kaia Gerber hits the genetic lottery and somehow has 1.4 MILLION people seeing every picture she takes. So before you go crazy about what a 15 year old girl is doing on Instagram, just realize that you are about to go crazy about what a 15 year old girl is doing on Instagram, you maniacs.
The Robots Have Arrived and Are Bringing Digitized Scents With Them.
All of you (me) that know me know that I think the robot-pocalypse will be here sooner rather than later. That is why my spidey senses went off when I saw this story in the Globe the other day. Sure, this nerd is saying all the right things. That the robots are just here to bring people “hot dogs and marshmallow flavor clouds.”* Want some Dom to wash that down those aromatic ‘mallows? Good ole Gita is right there with a chilled bottle for you.Living the high life, right? Well that is exactly what they want you to think. If life has taught me anything, it is that the robots will act as our friends before turning on us. They may seem like they are your best friend when they blow a digitized Filet Mignon into your face, but they are actually lulling you into a false sense of security. Just as the story says, soon they will be out on the streets. Once that happens there is nothing anyone can do to stop them from bumping into trees or getting plowed over by trucks.
*That a sounds really gross when you think about it. Hot dogs and marshmallows are not two things that go together particularly well. Its probably poison. Fucking robots.
The Umpire Who Saved that Lady from the Bridge is Kind of a Dick.
By now, I am sure some of you (me) have heard about the MLB umpire who helped talk a woman off the ledge of the Roberto Clemente Bridge in Pittsburgh. Now, to be sure, John Tumpane had nothing but the best intentions when he saw the lady looking down on the Alleghany. I think that any good person would try and help someone in such deep despair.
I think this guy is kind of a dick. A dick full of good intentions, but a dick nonetheless. Think about it. Life can be a cruel, fickle bitch sometimes. Rodney Dangerfield referred to waking up every day as facing the “heaviness.” The decision to jump off a bridge does not come lightly. So imagine finally having the balls to take control of your life and then Johnny Do-Gooder comes along and ruins everything. This poor lady is probably a million times more depressed now because she never made it to the water. Failing at suicide is the worst thing that could happen to a depressed person. Now she is going to have family and friends surrounding her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t do the one thing in life she wants to do with it. End it. I feel for this lady. If everyone just walked around with earbuds turned up and heads turned down, tragedies like this wouldn’t happen.
I Really Hope Kelly Clarksons’ Family Beat Amy Schumers’ in Family Feud.
Kelly Clarkson and Amy Schumer in a battle on the Feud? Where do I sign up? I did not know this was happening but I have to watch it. Two of my favorite things on the planet are Family Feud and Kelly Clarkson. I really hope Team Clarkson wins because judging from those two clips, Amy Schumer is beating her dead horse of an act. I know she’s successful and I am just a person writing to myself on this thing, but seriously she needs to move past the “i like to have sex” jokes. “PUSH IT DOWN!!” Oh I get it, so the guy will eat you out and what girl doesn’t like that, amirite ladies? So funny. Also, the only reason a guy would look better with clothes on is obviously because he has small dick. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that he is fat, hairy and no muscle tone. Not that I would know about those things. If there is a higher being, let Kelly win. Its what America has wanted since 2002.
The People Who are Mad at Jessica Simpson are Maniacs
Have any of you(nobody) seen this? Jessica Simpson put up an Instagram post of her 5 year old daughter in a bikini and it drove people insane. I read some of the comments and its batty. Let the woman have a good time with her daughter. If you get mad at this post, you are a loser. No way to say it other than that.
The Jets Sucking is Going to Make this NFL Season Great Again.
The Jets are going to suck this year. By all accounts they are in full tank mode. There is a good chance they will win less than 4 games. They will probably still play the Pats tough in one of their games as they usually do, but the idea of them playing god-awful football for 4 months makes me giddy. Hopefully Christian Hackenburg gets to play QB because if this report is any indication of what to expect, yea buddy!!
“When Hackenberg misses… he really misses. He threw just two interceptions in team drills, but nearly tossed six others. And I’m not talking about a receiver falling down. I’m saying the defender just dropped the ball.
Other times, the wideout/running back/tight end was wide open, and Hackenberg sailed it over his head or bounced it to him. That can’t happen. In the three media-open OTAs, Hackenberg hit reporters with passes twice. “
Almost 8 INTS during OTAs is pretty horrific, but throw in the hitting reporters with two passes and golly gee, we have another horrible* NFL QB on our hands. Who happens to play for the Jets. God bless America.
*It continues to amaze me that there are not 32 people out of 7 billion on Earth that can play quarterback in the NFL competently. Absolutely mind-boggling.
David Price Picked a Bad Time to Freak Out.
I like David Price. He had a pretty decent season last year all things considered. Sure, he didn’t win his playoff start, but none of the other Sox starters did either. People bitch that he is making 30 million a year but unless you are John Henry the amount he is getting paid should not matter at all. The absence of a salary cap makes his salary a non factor to me. (Spare me the luxury tax argument.) That being said, he picked a horrible time to lose his mind on the media. After being injured for two months, he has had one ok start and one pretty good one to start his season. The CHB actually wrote a decent piece on him, imploring fans to back off so I’m not really sure why he lost his mind on Evan Drelich for tweeting out a quote from the column. What I do know is that David Price does not like playing in Boston and that sucks. I’ll never forget watching him come out of the bullpen in the ’08 ALCS and just crush the Sox’ chance of winning Game 7. I’d just like to see him do it to someone else now.
Is there anybody out there? Anywho, I will be putting all of my thoughts on many subjects here. Good, bad, ugly, otherwise, whatever pops into my crazy head. I hope the no people who read this appreciate just what I do for them.